1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2 Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. You know that "tingly" little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
4 I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim" I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5 Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
6 The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
7. I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
8. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
9 If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.
10. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
11. Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
12. At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.
13. I am what is called a "seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
14. Life is great. I have more friends whom I can share this with, but right now I can't remember their names.
