Apologies if any of these have been posted before, some of them seem to me to be pure Tommy Cooper.
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..
6. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
7. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
8. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
9. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
10. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
12. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
13. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
17. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
18. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
19. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Graham
Corn?
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Garry Russell
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airboatr
No 14 seems to have a typo though, surely it should read:
"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh."
The variation on that one is, of course, what do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer!
Then was my son's first joke, which he learnt when he was five; how did the eskimo mend his house? 'e glued it!
AndyG