Classic British Flight Sim

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
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Dear Sir/Madam:



Automated telephone answering service,




Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG, which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact!!!



Graham

Excellent ;-) I could have written that myself

ATB

DaveB :tab:

Love it Graham

That is just the sort of thing I would do.........like Dave .

That is why I love fawlty towers and the like........I have a sacrastic sense of humour

Garry

Garry Russell wrote:I have a sacrastic sense of humour

I HAD sort of noticed Garry.

Graham

Oh happy days.........................

A couple of years ago we had to watch a gang of 15 neanderthals smashing up our brand new £3000 greenhouse whilst the local police took 2 hours to bother attending by which time the mob had gone back to their cave to refresh on booze, blood or fast food. The irony of it all was that the local police station was about 400 yards away from our house but locked from 5pm to 8am - apparently the local fuz didn't seem too happy being around after dark.

On another occasion we managed to scare off a gang who were trying to demolish an 8 foot garden wall. Our call to the police was met by 'all our officers are busy at the moment...' and when they did turn up they looked at the damage, laughed and went off to get their supper - this was the day Scotland hosted the G8 and we had half a million police looking after the world's most 'loved and pampered' politicians. 2 weeks later a fresh faced youth, pretending to be a policeman, arrived. He announced himself as the Community Police Officer - a title claimed by at least 3 over the previous year - and then proceeded to give us a lecture on what we could not do. If my memory serves me right we must not; approach said gang lest we antagonise them, must not enter into any discussion or war of words, must not get within touching distance else they might file a complaint about us assaulting them (we are 3 retired people, one blind, one severely mobility challenged and one with a bad back); we must leave our garden immediately and go indoors, close all doors and windows, if possible we should stay away from windows and if necessary we should draw curtains/blinds and await the police. The bit that cracked us up was his final admonishment; 'Above all, don't feel that you are a prisoner in your own home.'

We moved to the country - the only interruption to our peace is the odd sheep complaining about being taken to market and - joy oh joy - being the general tagets for low level Tornados, Typhoons, Harriers and the odd F15E.

We still have our sense of humour and we can look back now and laugh at it all but, really when will the authorities wake up? Before or after the first neanderthal is beaten to death by frustrated victims?

I hasten to add that we were not the only victims of the mindless trash, just the easiest because our house was remote (100 yards from any other property) and we were somewhat handicapped in being able to chase them away.

I should have said that we laughed like drains at the lovely sarcasm of your piece Graham and alwlays look forward to your funnies.

Keep up the good work, laughter is almost the only thing that we can enjoy tax-free!

ATB


Allan

Allan, should you have the misfortune to suffer this again, God forbid, wait a couple of minutes - ring back again - and tell them that you have just shot the buggers. I think I can guarantee that there is suddenly no shortage of the boys in blue.

p.s. Glad you enjoy my offerings - laughter after all is the best medicine.

Graham

I had ****precisely**** this experience when I had my first flat some years back. There was a corner shop immediately opposite (in fact I rented the flat from the shop owner). At night, he pulled a metal shutter down, and all the morons used it as a 'wall' to batter their balls off. This was absolutely constant, and would be accompanied by various other halfwitted 'games' like one time, a lunatic ripped the door off the phonebox, and then shouted to his mates 'Stone me, I'm the Police' (which they did) while he used the door as a 'riot shield. Morons could be seen putting the boot into the coinbox in broad daylight, and numerous incidents of tearaway action, including toddlers roaming around at 2 and 3 AM.

The authorities reaction to this? If the Police arrived, they sat in their cars and the yobs moved on. To return five minutes later. I tackled my MP and councillors who stated lunacy like 'CCTV will only shift the problem elsewhere' and 'We are spending xx million on law enforcement.'

All this was bad enough, particularly when you are working weekends and out of bed at 5AM, but then, absolutely insane levels of noise (karaoke, electric guitar, balls off the walls and music) started coming from the flat below me at all hours. For about a week whenever it started, I went down and hammered on the door, to get no answer whatsoever (and no let up in the noise). After a day at work (with no sleep) I got home to find the key entry to the stairwell was knackered, and about 10 yobs were sitting inside smoking dope, boozing and my feet literally stuck to the stairs with spittle all over the steps. I told them we got charged for cleaning up and asked them not to make a mess, to get told that 'They didn;t give a ****' - later that evening, the noise from the flat started again, and I was back down at the door. After the usual no answer, I phoned the Police, who arrived and asked if **I** had done something to annoy the downstairs neighbours!!!!!!! - they then suggested that I moved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found out afterward that the girl downstairs had a new boyfriend (a lunatic) and this was the cause of the racket.

The point is, no-one in authority did a thing for the quiet hard workers in the neighbourhood, and the area is as bad as ever. It's maybe just as well I soon after had the opportunity of a large house in another district, which I grabbed - because if I hadn't and got hold of the moron dowstairs, or snapped at a 'footballing' clown, I've no doubt the Fuzz would have been only too quick to respond....

As we saw it we had a number of choices,1) sit tight and hope the morons get bored and go away, 2) start agitating with the powers that be or, 3) do as some of our neighbours did and that was to send a couple of lads with baseball bats after the cretins.

We chose the second option and got the whole local area behind us and then we hit the local councillor, the Head of the local council and the local MP. We were lucky as all three were decent blokes and only too happy to help our community - there was an election in the offing - with the result that the Chief Constable got it well and truely in the neck!

Suddenly our area was swamped with the police we were originally told they did not have the money for. The yobs melted away but we did get most of them to court over the next six months which did at least send out a message that we were no pushover. So we had the last laugh in one way but living there was spoilt for us and we left for greener pastures.

Graham, sorry if I've hi-acked your thread.


ATB

Allan